Incurred
by MissPopularMIZ
Summary: Jack's soliloquy about his life and his choices...


**Incurred**

by MissPopularMIZ

J/S

"Yes, yes, I know". That's the only thing I really can articulate with Maria by my side. Oh, that and "It's my entire fault" or "I know I was the one who made THAT mistake". Oh yeah, how could I forget? Everything started the day I was conceived. I was the kind of boy who was always in trouble. And even after forty-five years I manage to keep that as a character of my personality. I'm a troublemaker and a conceited guy. Oh yes, ma'am. And I'm proud. I'm proud of losing my temper easily and very often because it's so good to see your surprised faces when I'm pissed off.

But I don't like to see you crying. Nor now, nor ever. I don't like the sight of your beautiful brown tear-filled eyes when I make a mistake. I know I'm only human but, in my job as in my personal life, there's no place for something so… so… so common, so human. No. Jack Malone has no right in fucking other people's lives. I shouldn't be mortal. 'cause God, LOVE has made me ruthless. And blind. Love didn't had time to blind me with tears. I only couldn't see with anger. For my little girls. The love I was giving you was far more stronger that the one you could receive. And the love I was giving my spouse, my wife, the one that should be by my side all my life, in poverty, in health and all that crap was becoming transparent, voided, replaced by your concern. And it made hers a reflection of a wobbling photo of pain. Sweetheart, it's true, only pain is real. And sad. And stupid. And true.

The fierce kiss of love remained on my lips even when the only thing I could do was watch you silently, hided, from afar; possessively and making me go crazy when all I wanted to do was to keep your in my arms. Oh, Sam, love is toxic, poisonous, lethal. Its scent will cling to your fingers, tear you open, shattering your seemed-perfect life and heart. And when you can't accept more, you'll collapse. We hurt the ones we care about and we aren't able to stop ourselves. It's wild. UNFAIR.

Oh God, Samantha, you disconnected me from the real world. You made me forget everything I am. You changed me. You made me feel wanted, loved and alive. But then, 'we' finished. 'we' were in the past. Now, the only thing I've left is my empty arms. And the acknowledgeable feeling of loneliness. Loneliness isn't just a word to me. It's my world since my marriage pictures started to fade. Love is needed to exorcise demons and I really ought to go to a church. Because I never really loved Maria: I only cared for her.

Maria was never THE ONE to me. No. she thought a single smile and stare were enough to know the deep side of me. Like if you ever could know someone by knowing what they've done. She knocked on my door a few years ago and I let her in. Not it's time to leave. To walk away.

Can you bring back all the things I've failed?

There was a time I thought I possessed the so-called happiness. A time I wouldn't hesitate, a time I wouldn't be afraid of you. Now, after all these years, I know WE are MEANT to be. Because Sam and Jack sound so good. But they convicted us guilty. They convicted my losses and convicted my tears. They convicted my choices and my fears. And they convicted my vows. And my old heart can't be repaired. Oh no. My heart is rotten with all the worst kind of memories and it tries to be better, but all it can do is bleed. Days go by and you really keep believing that love was keeping us from getting hurt? You're so naïve, honey. So, candid and so tender. So you. And when your world falls apart, when all the right goes wrong, Samantha Spade, I'm asking you, give yourself a chance to breathe. Just don't grab some words someone says without meaning so that they are a way of forgetting that you're alone. You're alone at your apartment and I know it. I know you so well I can say that you're drinking your 2nd beer. Because I think that you're strong and I know I'm wrong. You're human. You do feel.

Maria still prays I will love her back and we can be the family we once were. But I think our happiness was fake. She pleads for trust but she can't resist to feel sorry for herself. She wasn't the only one who suffered. I'm the one who is in love with someone else. And twelve years ago, when she said she loved me, I really didn't cared and took what she had. What she had to offer me. And I never returned a mere 'thank you'. I left her alone so that she can breathe.

I'm freezing! Shit! I had forgotten how much it hurts being left out in the cold. Staying outside looking in like a bad x-series film when there's always a ghost voyeur-ing. Faces that look familiar speak of love. I praise the little things and wish for nothing in addition, hoping they can fill all the holes in between, like a decoy to the lies we kept saying to no one else. And I think I disgust you. You must feel ashamed of me. All the things I made you go through…

All the things that didn't went right, Maria, are not only my fault. Please, lower your voice an octave and get yourself together, for god sake! WHATEVER I've done is forgiven. And what will you say when you unravel this tale and meet the villain of this play? If there's one… That thing we had vanished, faded into rain and went away. Once, when I was intended to start the "affair" I told I would disappoint you and I wouldn't care if I did. The bruises and scars that I've been hiding are the type you could never, never heal.

Oh Sam, and someday, I wish that showing you my love is enough. But you know, in my opinion, love shouldn't exist, Samantha. It was created by men, obliged to exist, it was drawn into a world of choices, bitter hearts and angry voices, and easily got tired of promises constantly broken so, as expected, went away. I can't blame it. You see, words are here just to be spoken. And like a superhero it always has to go to someone else's life to save the day. And I REALLY hate goodbyes. When we said goodbye, I really wanted it to be a 'love you, see you tonight', not a farewell party to encumber it. I never really wanted you to go. You and I had this 'THING' that will be here forever, no matter how much we TRY to forget, to move on. There's so much I need to say and so little time….

Maria, you made me believe I couldn't satisfy anyone else. You were wrong. And I was right: Sam real moaned and cried and laughed and confided to me. And for the first time, I felt a strange sensation of well-being and a wish of being there, for her. To help her see the light. To help her through the rain. And tonight, I'm willing not to give it another try but to cut away these puppet strings that are pending from your hands to my entire body. It's over. It's THE END. LA FIN. O FIM.

What is there left to prove? Is there something left to lose?

I now only realise I was everything you wanted in your life. Not me, as a man with a… you know what I'm saying. The thing men need to pee and all that crap… That thing that makes our day when we need soothing; our ego. No, it wasn't the thing between my legs that you needed but me. As a man. Me, as John Michael Malone, recently divorced, 45 years old, two children… Bet your mama and all the people we know didn't liked when you told them you were seeing your, at that time, married boss. What's the problem?

IT was your life I was wasting. You were young an trying to getting high in this department and I was, how to say it, 'needed'. That's what they think. They don't know us at all. Of course I was 'needed' but that's not all. I really loved you (should have said 'love' instead of 'loved') and you fitted my arms perfectly. Oh gosh, Jesus Christ, what the hell…? Of course I'm alone at home, as you are, tonight drinking myself sober. And thinking. Visualizing you with me, on the couch, making out until it was time to me to go home, to MY wife, who was expecting me wake, worried that I was working too hard at the office. Oh yeah, Maria, you didn't wanted to see what was there in front of your eyes.

And one day, I didn't said you 'see ya', I said you 'goo'bye'. And it was the end…

You then started acting strange. A complete strange to my eyes, previously able to know what was going on. Sam, you locked your heart. Locked it since I left with no tears or stars on my eyes. That was the day. The day I walked away.

You now wake up with no one by your side, tear streaming your face and your pillow during the night. Regaining a pale complexion and loosing several pounds. For 4 years, Samantha, you look as if Death came and took away your smile. Everyday since I told you it was over. Because I gave all the feelings inside of me to someone that wasn't able to love me back, at least, Maria couldn't love me back the way I wanted. And my days were packed, like my bags are at the door, with wishes and hopes for the love that she got. I thought I could mended a broken heart. And. too late, you taught me that love isn't enough. And at the Malone residence there're no emotions left to borrow, so maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Sam, I'm still here. Look at me, please. I want you to be a risk I take. I want you to be there when I want to cook breakfast. I want to see you again, sleeping in a slumber way, naked, closer to me and exhaling into my chest. Or playing with my hair…. Oh my… So many memories I have left and, suddenly, they doesn't sound so real. So warm; so tender as they used to seem. And I know I only need a word, the perfect word, to rebuild 'us' again. One single word breaks the cold of silence. Not one lie. So please, let's give love a chance to try to complete our souls. Put me in your supermarket list. I'm here. I'm real. It's true, honey, I do exist.

I do am selfish. I do desire you. And you, as always, you push yourself down to try to take comfort in words albeit they cannot love. It's not in their nature. And there would be a time where you'll waste and force them to say all those pretty things you want so hard to hear and they'll bruise you even more, hurt you more than a sharp knife. Hurt you in a unique and distinct way. Hurt you like nothing else. Hurt you like hell.

And you, Maria, you secretly made your pain so unforgettable, so present, so dear, hiding yourself in the shade. And the day I destroyed all your hopes, fears and dreams, you built them all over again. And I accept it. As an obedient dog, I return home to regain posture and our so-already broken common life. And you keep pretending everything's fine. Everything is as it was once upon a time. For how long? Until I see her again and forget the things we have, the two of us. You keep talking all these words, throwing them to the empty happy walls, making those conversations that cannot be heard. How long until you notice that no one is answering back?

And then you came back, Sam, and looked at me. And I shivered inside. You looked at me with your red puffy eyes and told me I was the only one you really wanted. So, unless I do something quickly, you'll jump high in the sky and fly to another world. Like on _The Twilight Zone_.

But yeah, beautiful, I couldn't ask for a thing from you as ALL you gave me I afforded to lose.

Too scared to willing to give it another try or too dumb to think love would be sweeter than it was. And oh, so funny… You're still around after all these years, after running away so many times always ending up at the same spot. Love is keeping us from live. Because fear and pain weren't enough to make me stop wanting you. It aches. So dark the con of man. So dark the grey sky surrounding us. And I ask you once again what did you told me before: a beautiful smile hides a troubled soul. And you try so hard to keep the void away from here. To keep your heart from tore. Because I left you with two words and a kiss. Two heavy words colliding with your chest. And I forget the taste of rejection. And loss.

Only, if there is one above, God knows my sins are already too big to pay. And though I do try the best I can, you had to be me to understand. Plus, even for the tears I forget to taste, should I, maybe, try to lick them of your face. And one day, you reach a point where all your faults, all your false moves, all your mistakes are all you know. And it's my fault if I incur Maria's anger. Yes, my entire fault. For loving you…


End file.
